Love lost, phase 2.
Dear Miiss L,
How do I get over a particular person? I am dating a new guy and he is good, but I can't seem to get over an ex of mine. I am trying to have fun and all, but my heart just isn't in it. I even tried therapy, but it just made it worse and cost money. My ex kind of "pulled the rug" as they say, and I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking about him. He has moved on and I just can't seem to. I get all disgusted when I have sex with my new boyfriend. I am so empty inside. It's not that my ex was that great, (a player, I hate to admit) I just can't seem to move on. I am depressed and crying sometimes, and the ex sometimes emails me and I am shaken for days. How can I stop this? When I feel like this I end up getting mad at myself for it. Please help.
Tanya Toronto
Hi Tanya. You are in the second phase of getting out of love. Love is a very physical feeling after sexual contact and is not to be taken lightly. The first phase is obvious, the hurt, pain anger and resentment. The second phase is a subset of the first, a subtler sense of hurt and pain which is sometimes treated as depression. It can take a long time to come out of this, it depends on the circumstances of the breakup and how deep (chemically) the "love juice" affected your brain. The third and last stage is also a subset, anger and resentment. This is the explosive stage you have to be watchful about. You might take it out on anyone at any time, so try to keep your cool.
The first indication of the third phase is showing in your letter. You get mad at YOURSELF for feeling this way. This will turn outward, towards others sometimes, but at least you're getting a sense of "self" back. Watch your ego, this is the stage when ex lovers may get downright dangerous. I predict about another year before you are back to normal if you aren't physically challenging yourself often enough. Exercise really hard, it speeds the process. Understanding the process and stepping outside of it also helps. Avoid contact with your ex unless he wants to get VERY serious this time. Lay down the law, it's a matter of principle. You can't be friends right now. And watch those "players", they adore CONTROL, a filthy selfish childlike behavior. He is not an adult, and you can tell him that. Hope this helps.
(watch a video)
How do I get over a particular person? I am dating a new guy and he is good, but I can't seem to get over an ex of mine. I am trying to have fun and all, but my heart just isn't in it. I even tried therapy, but it just made it worse and cost money. My ex kind of "pulled the rug" as they say, and I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking about him. He has moved on and I just can't seem to. I get all disgusted when I have sex with my new boyfriend. I am so empty inside. It's not that my ex was that great, (a player, I hate to admit) I just can't seem to move on. I am depressed and crying sometimes, and the ex sometimes emails me and I am shaken for days. How can I stop this? When I feel like this I end up getting mad at myself for it. Please help.
Tanya Toronto
Hi Tanya. You are in the second phase of getting out of love. Love is a very physical feeling after sexual contact and is not to be taken lightly. The first phase is obvious, the hurt, pain anger and resentment. The second phase is a subset of the first, a subtler sense of hurt and pain which is sometimes treated as depression. It can take a long time to come out of this, it depends on the circumstances of the breakup and how deep (chemically) the "love juice" affected your brain. The third and last stage is also a subset, anger and resentment. This is the explosive stage you have to be watchful about. You might take it out on anyone at any time, so try to keep your cool.
The first indication of the third phase is showing in your letter. You get mad at YOURSELF for feeling this way. This will turn outward, towards others sometimes, but at least you're getting a sense of "self" back. Watch your ego, this is the stage when ex lovers may get downright dangerous. I predict about another year before you are back to normal if you aren't physically challenging yourself often enough. Exercise really hard, it speeds the process. Understanding the process and stepping outside of it also helps. Avoid contact with your ex unless he wants to get VERY serious this time. Lay down the law, it's a matter of principle. You can't be friends right now. And watch those "players", they adore CONTROL, a filthy selfish childlike behavior. He is not an adult, and you can tell him that. Hope this helps.
(watch a video)
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