Hot Sexy Love!

Dear Lady L!
I've got a little more than I bargained for. I look back on the past year as a sort of coming of age. It all started when I ran into an old lover on the street in my city. I had dated him ten years before for about 5-6 months, a whirlwind of May-December hot sex. I do remember thinking back then, oh how I love to do this guy, he's so nice and wonderful and he makes me [edited] like a racehorse.(and he thought I was the most talented and smartest girl he ever knew, and I am not, for sure!)
We split up (or rather truthfully, I left) when I started to fall for some troubador, who subsequently cheated on me.(I was still a little girl, a smarty pants.) For the next couple of years, I dated guys on and off, never finding a good "chemistry" for an LTR. I am a bit of a perfectionist and a little shallow, so it's hard.
Anyway, I see "Jim"(the old flame) on the street one day, and I was real glad to see him. I rushed up and said hi and we exchanged emails. After a couple of emails, I discovered he was really hurt when I left. (I was young!) Anyway, we started a casual friendship, and I discovered that he was shy about many things, things that I didn't know while we were dating. (we were to "busy" to even talk back then). I thought wow, I can be friends with this guy, we already did the nasty, he's so awesome. He supports me in anything I do and makes me feel great.
So we hang out for a long time and get close, sometimes getting real close.(never actually doing it, he was always gentlemanly, and I don't know what the * I was thinking.) Then some foreign guy catches my eye and I go for it. Jim is supportive and nice. This fizzles and I start to look around again, and Jim doesn't seem to mind. Then I do something that stepped over some line, being naive, and Jim shuts me out.
Well, I get my defenses up and push it out of my mind, but i kept thinking of him. I took up with some boring loser for a time, but I wanted some answers.
I called Jim and said we had to talk. He was reluctant but finally agreed, sounding rather angry.
I met up with him and we were having a great time.(we always did.) He took me dancing and we hot salsa and slow danced, and we were getting hot. I could feel his [edited] pressing against my rear end as we slow danced front to back. (I wanted that [edited] inside me right there. It was hot!) we sat down, and after a couple of drinks, I turned to Jim and started kissing him, right there in the dark club. It was a bit of an angry kiss, we were still mad at each other I guess. I was sitting on his leg angrily and passionately deep kissing Jim. Right there, he discreetly slides his hand up my leg and starts to [edited] me gently. (the club was dark.) He expertly put [edited, edited] me, and that was that. I [edited, edited] right there, sitting on his lap, and I shuddered so hard. I cried a little and he held me tight. I was whispering why did you shut me out? Why? He put his hand over my mouth and kissed my forehead. Then he got up and gripped my arm and led me through the club. He pulled me into the bathroom, (they were single rooms) and and roughly pinned me against the wall, and [edited,edited,edited!] to me right there. I [edited,edited] more times and fell into his arms.
He took me home and we kissed for a long time, but he wouldn't come in. He said see you soon.
I didn't hear from him for a week so I called him. It was short and he had to go, he was working. I was mad. I called him later that night, leaving a nasty message. Picking up the phone in the middle of the message, he says You wanna talk?! Come here and talk to me face to face, chicken *!!
Well, I go over to his house and go to his door, ready to let fly some serious argument. He opens the door and we just stand there for a second, looking at each other. I go up to him and just hold him. He caresses my hair and kisses me softly. I start to cry again. (cry baby!). Well the rest of that night he basically alternated between sweet hot love and rough hard punishing "discipline". ([edited, edited, edit], everything.) I woke up the next day around noon, worn out, and and looked at my cell. My current boyfriend had called a couple of times. I was like, oh *. Then Jim calls and says he is coming back from a meeting right then. I told him I had to go, and he said You got to do what you got to do. I left.
Its been a couple of weeks and I am twisted. My boyfriend and everything else is losing their color. Jim called once and we talked, just light convo (he's the best) and I laughed till we got off the phone.
Lady L, what's up? I can't be with anybody right now, I am hustling my career. I want to talk to Jim more, but I don't want to date anyone. I am sleepless and my boyfriend is a drag. I don't even masturbate to my favorite guy fantasies. What's wrong with me?
Kirsten from Chicago

Well Kirsten, sounds like you have a couple of problems. Go easy on yourself for now, and sort out what I'm about to tell you. In this day and age, we are saturated with "how things are supposed to be" from many sources, more than sources years ago. The way you picture love and sex is separated from reality. I think you just went through a very real experience, something that takes the glimmer off how you perceived an in a "perfect world" type scenario, which conflicts with you learned behavior and what actually happens. Don't fret, everybody's coming to grips with it.
The thing a woman has to realize is sometimes "been there, done that" is stupid. Our attention spans are weak, so our behavior drifts in different directions, and it doesn't do well in the real world.
The current boyfriend is just that. That's all you wanted him to be. Good looking on your arm a parties, nice, considerate, other girls want him, he's in your business, etc. Good on paper. Or, another boyfriend might be exciting, adventurous, thrilling, a good story to tell. Live life to the fullest, that's the motto.
Kirsten, life is not just a series of events. It is the growth of your soul. When all the advertising slogans are gone, all you have left is a grown person with responsibilities. How boring that sounds, but one day you will crave it more than any guy, job or fame.
Let me give it to you straight. Dump the arm candy and the fantasies and give Jim a real shot. Maybe he's not as attractive as some others, but he sounds like he's got the goods. He's patient, He LOVES you, he desires you consistently, he makes you blank like a racehorse, he puts up with your crap, he is THERE. You don't have to marry him, just give him the shot he deserves! You dumped him years ago, so what? The dumper has the upper hand? Sounds like you STILL love to bleep him. You love somebody, you idiot, try not to screw it up! If you haven't already! Stop with the "been there done that" and the "something better around the corner" for just a little bit! Sheesh. If you don't, I'm going to find him and take him for myself!

Saving private dingbat.

Hi Lady!
Gotta love your blog. I don't really have a big problem, I think it's just confusion. I consider myself fairly normal in the dating and boyfriend department. However, I can't seem to "get" what's gone on in past relationships, or in my current one.
I always seem to go for the strong, protective type, which I know is common and pretty shallow, but after I land in a "thing" with one, it just seems to flatten out. I am looking now for a longer term thing, but I just can't seem to mesh with a guy. I think I'm getting annoyed with myself for not giving other types of guys a chance, but they just don't "turn me on". I do need that initial "hey, who's that, gimme a piece of that" to get me interested, but it ends up the same. These guys are killing me with their dumb guy stuff.
I also have guys that I don't really want to bed, but they're good guys and good friends. I kind of wish they were more strong and stuff, then I'd be more interested.
My current guy, who I do like alot, seems to fit in the former catagory. (big surprise.) A tall handsome guy, he was a soldier in Europe before coming to America. He's a bit slow, though, and I have a hard time communicating with him. He also has the hardest time doing the simplest things! He's really sweet and stuff, and I don't want to hurt him, but I can't take it anymore. He's just a DINGBAT.
I just realized that I lost a guy friend who was really my type maybe. Really smart, funny, stuff like that. He just was too good. It didn't turn me on. He left while saying, "I've spent all this time with you, but I know the type you go for, goodbye," and that was it. But I think he's right. I tend to get hot only for tall, strong protective guys. A lot of them turn out to be DINGBATS! I don't want to break my current's heart, but I gotta get some perspective here.
Any ideas?
Connie who's confused.

Well, Connie, welcome to the club. Every girl wants a strong protective guy. That's your baby talking. It's in the genes of most women. Every guy wants those curvy hips. It's science. Problem is, through liberation and education, we've grown as thinking and breathing intellectuals. We actually also want a tall, handsome protective guy with a brain, that's funny, smart and a good friend.
These perfect guys have it made. When you find one that isn't a philandering scumbag, let me know. They are tall, go to the gym, and get bored easily after they get you in bed. Yea, everybody wants one. The slower ones stick around for "mommy".
Some of my friends compromise by having a normal good guy around who's funny, smart and a great friend, that they can string along while bedding a "dingbat" strong and protective guy, until one of these "perfect" guys comes along to date and dump them. The "dingbat" cries in his soup and the good guy gets tired of their act and leaves, anyway. I guess it's as good a solution as any.
I think you have a science versus education dilemma. You can only get turned on physically by physical characteristics, and mentally by mental characteristics. The mental guys you like are not worthy of you physically, and the physical guys bore you to death. So, the only thing to do is start over. Again and again. Let the dingbat off the hook real slow, Connie. (oh, by the way, every European has to be a "soldier" unless they're well connected. It's the "automatic draft" over there. A big state sponsored slavery "turn on".) Try not to string along any more good guys. Then go for that perfect tall handsome smart guy. I'll see you at the clinic.
No, seriously, just take a time out for awhile and evaluate what you need to change. You're not a grownup yet, Connie. Don't take offense. You just need a balanced grownup perspective before another boyfriend.
I think there's a balance out there somewhere. Just try not to wear yourself out, there, miss perfection. Hope this helps.

Friends fatale.

Lady L,
I have a problem. I don't need your book, I need a gun. I have been simmering in a rage about my marriage. My husband has befriended this guy from work who is a real "piece of work". I have told my husband many times that I know of his sort. He is a liar, a cheater and an idiot. He is handsome, and just can't grow up. He's sucking my husband into all sorts of "fun" that I can see will lead to nothing but misery. I know my husband loves me, but I can see the lights of a freight train coming down the tracks toward our marriage.
That's not the only problem. His possesive and thoroughly psycho girlfriend is going to be dead in a matter of seconds by my own two hands. I'm not kidding.
I have come to the conclusion that he cheats and lies to her constantly, and she twists her mind into doing things to get back at him, then goes on like nothing happened. I agreed to go out with her one night, just to see what was going on in her head.
I was awed at how selfish and ignorant one could be. We went to a place that was rather busy and had a drink at the bar. She hit on the bartender immmediately and gave him her cell phone number. She started to flirt with guys standing next to us, saying how she needed a nice long "[edited]". One of the guys turned to me and started some small talk. In two minutes, she was in between us, propositioning him. She took him to the bathroom. I was so embarrassed. The other guy talked to me for a little bit. They came out of the bathroom, her hair all messed up. She comes right over and starts propositioning his friend, standing with her back to me. Her cell rings and it's "Mr. Winner", the handsome idiot player. She talks like a three year old into the phone to him. She hangs up and goes right back in with this other guy! I announce that I have to go, and she turns around and says, "don't you dare". I was like, what? I just got my things together and said, I'm going now, thank you. As I walked out, she says, "Don't you walk away from me! You'll be sorry, you bitch!"
What the hell, Lady?
It gets better. I come home from shopping and the "idiot" is at my house with this freak. He's outside bothering my husband who's doing yardwork, and she's sitting in MY kitchen, smug as a bug. I walk past her, setting things down on the counter. She says "we have to talk" in a psycho voice. I'm like, talk about what? She says, "you walked away, and now you will pay". I just say what the hell is wrong with you, get a grip! Grow up! She comes back with," Oh yea? When I'm [edited] your husband, you think he says that to me? And I'm gonna [edited] your husband.Count on it. Payback, you bitch."
I freak out and scream at her to get out, get out of my house. The men come running and say, "what's up, what's wrong?" and the little [edited] says, "I don't know, she just went psycho or something. Is there something wrong with her?" I freak out and yell at my husband, get them out, get them out of our house! He tells them to please go and she gives me a smile as they go out the door.
I tell my husband what's up. He says don't worry. I tell him you can't see that guy anymore. He says I have to, I work with him. I just went silent. We have a rift right now over this.
This little freak and her idiot guy are calling my husband on his cell all the time now. I want to smack the guy, but I also want to KILL her. I have never had a homicidal feeling before. This is serious. I have a family history of violence and this is the first time this feeling has come up in me. I mean I think I really have the urge to hurt someone violently.
Got any advice, Lady L?
Louise, soon to whack some bitch.

Ah, welcome to the neighborhood. Stay cool, Louise, she's getting to you. Tell hubby to get some cajones and end his friendship with the player. These people just need someplace to park a LOT of baggage. Steer clear, forever. End of story.
My analysis is pretty predictable. She's in denial and acting out. She is in love with a male slut, and is in severe turmoil about where to place the blame. He knows he's got her on a chain, this is what keeps her going. If he wasn't a slut, she wouldn't even like him. His looks would give way to his "unchallenging" or boring behavior, and she would find a new jerk to be posessive about.
He's just a dog licking his balls because he can. Like a pretty girl addicted to attention and seduction, he's a pretty boy doing the same. Doesn't sound like they're going to achieve any major accomplishments in this lifetime.
Your family background may be a line of passive aggressives. You bottle it up and one day it comes out. You probably haven't been intensely shaken into this state before. A good boxing class should take care of this. Or get those home foam boxing things and play with your husband. Let your anger out on your husband during this play, and he'll soon dump the work guy, believe me. If you feel this feeling again, get some help, Louise.

Meow mix at work

Hi Lady L,
I have this problem at work. I got a new job and things went fairly well for the first few months. I was happy with the new job.
I made some new girlfriends at work, and they seemed really nice. I started to go out with them and stuff, which was fun. (I didn't have very many girlfriends.) Then things went a little crazy.
I was dating a sweet guy when I got the job, but all the excitement and possibilities with the job, plus my new girlfriends, made us grow distant. I soon found myself going home with a guy I met while at a "work" party. My boyfriend smelled this and stopped calling.
Then things got ugly. The new girlfriends started having their own little problems, nobody getting in any relationships, competition for guys when we are out, backstabbing, all sorts of stuff. One girl who I thought was sweet and became close with turned out to be amazingly manipulative. I guess I got wrapped up in this, and now I have regrets. My old boyfriend who I love won't even return my calls. My new girlfriends, I realize, are acting like high school girls, and now we are tramping around like a floozies, something I thought I shook a long time ago. I want to be friends with my old boyfriend, but I just can't seem to connect. Or, I want to meet a guy that will take me away from all this.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Harriet

Hi Harriet. Well, you got yourself into the situation, you can get yourself out. It sounds like you are unhappy with where you are in life in general, and the new job was an opportunity to change. I think it is common to want girlfriends when we don't have them, but you have to be careful who you associate with. Misery loves company, and girls who are not in good relationships tend to be VERY jealous of those who are. This leads to mutual destruction alot of times, with emptiness and depression following. Then hope is waiting around the corner after the dust settles, with the cinderella complex (where's my prince?) setting in, Rakes and pickup artists spot this a mile off, especially if they spot a group of girls out from "work". I've seen this same rundown many times, Harriet. Go out with them less and less, then gradually drift back to the guy you loved, if you want. If he's up for it, (give him and you some time), and you are up for it, jump his bones while giving the middle finger to the new "girlfriends". Or, find a guy you can click with that is away from this crowd. (but read "Don't Bet on the Prince" first. Educate yourself.) Watch out for this herd mentality, it holds us back from being a true liberated independent woman. Hope this helps.

No, he's mine!

dear Lady Lorrington.
I am writing about a friend of mine. We are generally great friends, but when we go out, we are always competing for the same guys. It has happened more than not, it seems so silly. She is somewhat prettier than me, but I am more funny and outgoing. (plus I read your book) It gets a little frosty between us when this happens, for a couple of days at least, but then things go back to normal. (really good friends.) It's starting to annoy me though, because when I back off from a guy, it seems like she loses interest too. It's like if I wasn't there, she wouldn't even try for the guy! How can we "double trouble" if this is always going to happen? I feel like just finding another girl to hang out with to find guys. Maybe one that is less attractive, so I can have my pick. What do you think?
Sarah

Hello Sarah. Well, to be honest, we girls are very competitive in the guy department. Especially in this liberated age, we find ourselves with more options and are not considered "sluts" (by most) for going out for guys, so this competition arises more frequently. It sounds like you two are equally attractive in your own way, so that itself sets the stage for a "race". You'll also find yourself mimicking your friends when you get a steady guy. All of of a sudden your friend will have a steady guy, too.
Just be aware of these "herd" behaviors, and you'll head towards a more independent and mature decision process about dating. To be truly liberated is to be independent enough to make decisions about what kind of guy you should date and when. Discuss this with your friend, and you'll both be a little wiser.
Going out with someone less attractive smacks of "Queen Bee" syndrome, and this is immature. Save the "wait here while I go boink this guy, my little worshipper". It is an indication of low self esteem on the part of the more attractive friend. I personally got rid of all my "Queen Bee" type friends. It's childish elementary school girlish behavior, and nobody benefits from it. Hope this helps.

Hitting the bricks

Dear Lady L,
I am currently in (or not in) a relationship. I think my heart is breaking for the first time in my life.
I always "got my man", so to speak, and was always the first one to end it, or at least a couple were mutual agreements. This one I am in now is quite different.
Things were going really great, or so I thought. No problems, great sex, he is so cute and lovable. Then somethiing happened and I don't know what. He just stopped calling all of a sudden, no emails, no return texts. It's like a wall just slammed down in front of me, and I am hurt. I try to maintain my dignity, but after going out with him for a whole year, and telling me he loves me, I feel I want to confront him. Why would he just shut me out? I was very good to him, I thought this was the "big one". Now I just want to scream and cry. My feelings are getting in the way of doing things. Can you help me? Is there a chance for him and me?
Annabelle

Hi Annabelle. Ah, the famous Wall. Nothing is as painful as the Wall when you feel real love for someone. It's so impenetrable, I sure do know.
The first thing you must do if there's to be any solution to this famous dilemma is to get yourself leveled out. If it was the real thing, it may take a very long time to do this. Exercise, lots of aerobic and hitting, first order. Watch for blame misplacement and detective work. No circling, no information through friends, no contact, it is over for now. Your ego is a mighty strong champion that's used to winning, so your letter says. You are in the midst of fighting yourself. Recognize this.
The next step is forshadowing reaction. Don't get into a relationship or sexual conquest to fill the space. You'll only pass on the bad feelings you are feeling now to the new person if they fall for you. Your ego will rear it's ugliness and dump them in retaliation. Try to wrestle with yourself and let your intelligence and "what's right" win out. It may take years.
This person you "were" involved with sensed your growing to "real" and copped out. That's a good clue to what they'll do in a pinch at this stage of their life. He will grow up, it takes time. Don't get mad at him, it's another emotion that feeds off fear and resentment.
Okay, let me tell you what may happen. (it always does).
He will have regrets. He will eventually call. He was chicken, but your love will win out. This will happen at the most awkward time. Maybe in a month, maybe ten years. When it does, STAY IN CONTROL. If you want him, be quick, others are watching and are jealous of your true love. If you are slow and shy or the least bit considerate of anyone else, you will lose him again. YOUR OWN FAULT.
Don't let him put bricks in the wall by giving him too much time to think. Just stay light, happy and FAST. You can be the one to decide if you want to stick around if you are HOT AS GREASED LIGHTNING.
This wasn't some fling for him, it was a whole year. That's close to real. Now, however, it's back to square one with The Wall erected between you. Let the bricks of the wall erode over time, then karate kick the whole damn thing down when the opportunity presents itself. (It will.) If you waffle, he'll just as quickly add more bricks to justify his past bailout. Stay very strong, Annabelle, love has to be wrestled sometimes. Hope this helps.

Hands off my man!

Hi Lady L,
I can't seem to communicate to other women to stay away from my guy. I am falling in love with him and I think he is, too. What should i say to people? I am going crazy because there always seems to be another person trying to screw this one up. How do you keep the relationship going without looking desperate? Also, he has a "buddy" who's trying to bust us up also, taking him out to God knows where, etc. How do I stop these people? I am getting mad about it.
Bonnie

Hi Bonnie. Yes, it's true that people always try to interfere in a developing relationship. They like their "friend" and want to keep things they way they were, along with other underlying agendas. It's a slippery slope. Here are some suggestions.
First off, kill all jealousies. Second, threaten the other parties but in a covert way. Third, pick up some books that will help you navigate this smoothly. You have to keep his interest in you high enough that he hangs in there. (my book has helped thousands of women in getting and keeping a guy interested. There are also others out there.) Last, stay happy and keep moving with him in step. (If you see a threat, do yourself a favor and lightly discuss it with him and pull him out of it.) This is all a lot of work. Be brave and like a special forces soldier if you want to keep him. I know, I've been there. Hope this helps.

Bad vibe guy

Hi Lady L,
I was wondering if you could clear something up for me. I am a bit spooked by a situation I've been going through.
I know this guy who I've been seeing on and off for a number of years. He's really a good guy, but sometimes he's a player, which I hate. That's not what I'm writing about.
It seems that every time we get together, bad stuff happens. I don't know why, but it seems he just attracts bad luck to both me and him. I think he has a demon or something. Do you believe in that stuff? There's always some situation or somebody interfering with our time together, an ex of mine or his, other bad stuff, car breaking down, other stuff. I broke it off recently, told him I loved him, but I just can't put up with the situation. I miss him now, though, and want to make contact. Should I send him an exorcist or something first?
What do you think?
Karen

I do believe in these things, Karen. I don't know if I would call it a "demon" as such. I think his spirit is restless. You say he's a "player" sometimes, I just consider that restlessness, and this behavior does seem to attract certain negative "vibes". The negative spirits spot restlessness a mile off, and tend to attach themselves to this, in my experience. If you must see him, stay away from public places first. If you detect him being restless or bored, excuse yourself until he can settle down a little and enjoy your company. He's got to address his restless soul before you guys can have something solid. Hope this helps.